This weekend I passed up an opportunity to “step out of my life for 24 to 36 hours.” I was asked to fly to Massachusetts to listen to a teaching pastor my church is considering. I had to pass because I’m still nursing my son and as tempting as it was to “step out” (as it was put to me) it wasn’t worth forcing my baby to wean—neither of us are ready for that.
Even though I know I made the right decision and feel good about it, I’ve kept thinking about the short conversation I had with the person who asked me to go. As someone who loves a “getaway,” as someone who cares deeply about the future of my church, and as someone who was thrilled to be considered for such an important trip, having to say no was difficult. My brain raced through a thousand scenarios of how it might work. But none of them squared. In the end, I’m just not in a place where I can step out of my life.
The more I’ve thought about it, though, the more troubled I’ve been by that phrase. Why would stepping out my life tempt me so much?
In reality, as crazy and sometimes (okay, often!) messed up as things get in my life, I don’t want to step out. I’ve got a great life—great husband, great kids, great job, great house, great dog, great parents….. (though admittedly each and everyone of these “greats” can drive me crazy and make me want to step away!).
What I do want is my life to be big enough, full enough, complete enough where I can’t really step out of it—and to be satisfied and content enough that I’d never want to.
I don’t want to look at those rare moments when I find myself (happily) in a moment or day or weekend to myself as stepping out of anything. It should still be me there, living my life, as God would want, just as it is me juggling kids and writing and husband and dinner.
But as a crazy-busy mom, it’s hard not to be lured by the idea of stepping out of my own life into something simpler or more peaceful. Any thoughts or wisdom here on how to make your own life the place you’d never want to step out of?
Interesting post…
Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about how the media level of our lives prompts this type of thinking and feeling. Just looking at other people’s pictures on Facebook can make me feel wistful and even borderline envious – when I am perfectly happy with my life too and have no desire for anyone else’s! I feel that the constant objectification of our lives through pictures and other media – capturing, sharing, looking at – causes more of a ‘step-out’ desire than we would otherwise have (or used to have).
I have been thinking all this may be fodder for my Dec GFL post… 🙂